Sex demands turn me off
Question
My boyfriend and I are having serious relationship trouble, especially when it comes to sex. He wants it all the time, and I would too if the sex was good. I don't mind telling him what I like and don't like, but if I'm not in the mood he gets really mad, insults me and tells me I'm hurting him by not "feeling like it".
Obviously this behaviour doesn't drive me wild with desire, so it takes a long time for me to feel like wanting to be physical again. In the meantime, he pressures me and complains that it's taking me too long. When I finally do feel like being intimate, he is so crass and forward about it that I find I get put off again.
He is a passionate and emotional person, but he can be incredibly insensitive and it's leaving me exhausted! I care for him, but he is acting like a brat and I'm finding it more and more offensive. What can I do?
Answer
Talking about and negotiating the sexual component of relationships is difficult for many of us as a result of it being so personal. The key to having a good relationship is communication, so it's good to hear you're comfortable telling your boyfriend what you like and don't like. This should certainly help improve the quality of the sex you're having.
It may be that the problem is due to an inability or unwillingness on his part to accept that every healthy relationship requires some compromise by both partners. If this is the case, then it's probably affecting other areas of your relationship as well.
If you haven't already, it may be a worth telling your boyfriend that his demands for sex and his aggressive attitude when you're not in the mood are not only putting you off at the time, but are also making you feel increasingly stressed about sex with him generally.
His demanding behaviour may be a defence against underlying insecurities, so in order to successfully deal with this problem (if you've not already done so) you'll need lots of patience and tact. Given that you are understandably drained about things, it's probably worth having a good think about whether you want to hold onto this relationship badly enough to put in the energy required to make things better. Obviously this sort of question is never easily answered as every relationship has positive and negative qualities.
If you're fairly certain you want to at least try to improve aspects of your relationship, remember it takes two to tango, so your boyfriend will need to be on board. If he seems prepared to work on things let him know how much the relationship means to you and remind him that all couples need to inform each other of what turns them on sexually from time to time.
Although this may sound a bit 'unsexy', you could arrange to have a proper chat about this issue when you both have ample time and won't be distracted by anything. It's incredibly important not to have this sort of chat when you're about to have sex as it will almost definitely ruin the moment and make it even more difficult to talk about things later on.
When the time is as right as it can be, tell your boyfriend in a calm and loving way that you understand he has a healthy sex drive but the pressure he puts on you to want to have sex when he does is making you anxious and tense and less likely to be in the mood.
Reassure him that you fancy him and that if you don't want sex at times isn't a rejection of him, it's just about you having other things on your mind or feeling tired. Explain that it would help you feel more relaxed about sex if he could be more patient and gentle in his approach and not take it so personally when you need a night off. It's also worth remembering that pleasing him sexually doesn't necessarily mean having sexual intercourse. If you're not in the mood yourself, it might be worth considering satisfying him either orally or manually. This should please him and should help you feel better for having made him happy. If he seems willing to take what you've said on board, then you guys should probably be OK and it might be an idea to agree to try and be more communicative with one another generally.
If he remains defensive and argumentative about things it may be unlikely that you'll find any kind of compromise. If this is the case, you may need to decide if you're prepared to put up with things as they are.
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Question answered by Our Relationship Advisors
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