Revisiting the past
Question
When I was younger I used to cut myself a lot. I was really ill, didn't go to school and lost a lot of friends. In the end I hated my life and myself. I didn't tell anyone but I felt so sad all the time.
But things looked up when I started college; it was like I could breathe again after years of suffocation. I made friends, loved my course and I was happier than I'd been in years. But one day I nicked myself whilst I was shaving my legs and it was like a dam breaking inside me. I started to slash at my body until I was so dizzy I could barely stand up.
Now it's like I'm back to square one. I cut often and deep. Sometimes I don't eat for days. I feel bad. Stressed. And nobody knows, I don't think they even care. I can't go back to the way it was before college; I'd rather die. Please help me.
Answer
It sounds like you're going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment. Having made so much positive progress, it must be terrifying to experience once again the feelings and behaviour you went through when you were younger. But please be reassured you do not have to continue dealing with it alone.
Having been ill for so long and unable to go to school must have been terribly isolating and lonely. It's unsurprising to hear you felt so sad and low all the time as a result of this experience. Going to college must have been a big step and taken a lot of courage. It's great you were able to settle in and get back on track so well. The day you began cutting your body again must have come as a real shock, particularly since it seemed to happen so suddenly, and quite by accident.
Self-harm is often a way for people to cope with difficult emotions or situations, it can be a means of communicating what they cannot put into words or even into thoughts. It may also be a way of releasing painful emotions such as rage, sadness, emptiness, guilt or fear. Since it's generally a private coping mechanism, rather than attention seeking, people sometimes feel too ashamed and unable to admit to anyone what they are doing. Under such circumstances, even close family or friends may not be aware that the issue exists.
You are clearly feeling very stressed and unhappy at the moment. Sometimes it is easy to assume this is obvious to close friends, but sadly this is not always the case. Or perhaps some of your friends have noticed, but are unsure how to approach you about it or do not know what to say.
Talking with trusted friends and family about these sorts of feelings can help, it can also give friends and family a better insight into the situation, helping them to offer more effective support. But this can seem hard; if you feel uncomfortable talking to your parents or friends there are organisations that can help. The National Self-Harm Network provides support to people who self harm and their website features a range of resources that might be of use to you. There is also The Bristol Crisis Centre for Women that runs a national self-harm helpline, you can call them on 0117 925 1119.
It might also be worth making an appointment with your local doctor (GP) too. There could be underlying issues surrounding your behaviour, such as anxiety or depression. There are a number of ways of treating depression and anxiety both with and without medication. Your doctor will be able to discuss the medical and talking treatment options available, such as antidepressants or cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). Your GP should also be able to refer you onto an appropriate counselling service. If you'd like to seek this form of support independently you can search the Youth Access Database.
Finally, you can also talk in confidence to SANELINE on 0845 767 8000. They're available to anyone experiencing a mental health issue and you would be able to talk through any feelings and worries you have, including your self-harming behaviour.
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Question answered by SANE
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