Crushed confidence
Question
I have known my boyfriend for around five years, but we've only been going out with each other for the last four months. As a friend he seemed very confident but since we've become closer he has started to put himself down.
He thinks I'm going to run off with someone else, as his previous girlfriends have done. He gets paranoid when I go out - to the point he asks me not to. Also, he always puts himself down, and keeps saying he's 'fat and ugly'.
I have tried to get him to come to the gym with me but he thinks he's a lost cause. Is there anything I can say or do to build up some self-esteem? I always tell him I love him, and he means the world to me, but it doesn't seem to be enough.
I'm worried, as his self-esteem is so low. Is there any way I can help?
Answer
It sounds like you care very much for your boyfriend and understandably, feel concerned about his emotional wellbeing. His low self-esteem and confidence must be putting a lot of strain on your relationship, particularly now he's asking you not to go out. It's good to hear how supportive and understanding you are trying to be through this difficult time.
As you have noticed from your boyfriend's thoughts and behaviour, common traits of low self-esteem include feelings of worthlessness, lack of confidence and picking fights. It is also common for people to have a very negative opinion of their body image, such as feeling 'fat and ugly' as you say your boyfriend feels.
Encouraging your boyfriend to take steps to improve his self-esteem and confidence, such as going to the gym with you, is very positive. Simply being there to listen could also benefit him. By talking about how he feels, and identifying the issues that are making him feel so bad, such as his insecurity about you ending the relationship, he may find himself moving on from feeling so low.
He could also consider seeking some form of support, to help him look at his situation more closely. It can often help to look at the underlying issues that cause these difficult feelings.
When people feel very low, it can be hard to see things in life as anything but negative. Especially when you say your boyfriend's personality has changed so dramatically from being very confident to feeling like a 'lost cause'. It must be frustrating for you at times, providing so much reassurance yet being unable to change his opinion of himself.
It might be worth encouraging your boyfriend to consider speaking to his local doctor (GP). Given time and the right support to explore a situation and feelings, a temporary, treatable issue may well be uncovered. For example, feelings of despair, sadness, low self-esteem or panic could be indicators of an underlying condition such as anxiety or depression. Such symptoms could be relieved through medication or a form of talking therapy, helping people to focus on what is making them so low and ease some of the pressure. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can prove very helpful in overcoming low self-esteem. His GP will be able to advise him of the options available and help him seek the right form of treatment or support. If your boyfriend feels uncomfortable about approaching his GP, offering to accompany him might give him the support he needs to go. Alternatively, he could seek counselling independently by contacting Youth Access.
Sometimes it helps to talk to someone you do not know. If your boyfriend would like to talk to someone, about weight and self-image issues, Connexions Direct is an online and telephone information and advice service for young people. They can provide support around issues of health and wellbeing and you can call them on 0808 0013 219. It is also important to bear in mind the impact your boyfriend's issues are having on your emotional wellbeing. Therefore, you may like to consider the option of calling, too, or perhaps confiding in a close friend or relative.
Alternatively, SANELINE is a national mental health helpline offering emotional support and information to anyone experiencing mental health problems and their family and friends. You - or your boyfriend - can talk to them in confidence on 0845 767 8000.
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Question answered by SANE
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