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Community: Real Life

Snakes and ladders


Viks

Viks is 21 and from Surrey. She's bed-bound due to Myalgic Encephalopathy (M.E.), but works hard as co-founder of Post Pals, a website community for sick young people.
Entry: 5
Date: 10/03/2008

Viks is gutted to have suffered a set back with her recovery as she faces a relapse and thinks back to what life was like before she became ill.

I've been thinking about how life is like a game of Snakes and Ladders. When it's your go you are handed the die and you can shake, wish, or blow on it before you roll, but at the end of the day you still have a one in six chance of getting that highly desirable number '6'. There is a good chance of landing on a ladder and getting a boost up the board, but there's just as much of a risk you'll land on a snake and slip back down again. Whatever happens, you keep trying with the hope of reaching that all-important number 100.

Being handed the die for your turn feels a bit like waking up to a new morning not knowing what that day will hold. M.E. isn't like a simple game that we all play, but finding hope with new treatments feels as if you are climbing that ladder. Yet at the same time, with every snake you slither down you're one step back in your quest for recovery and the disappointment is immense.


Unfortunately last month I landed on a snake. I hoped and prayed it would be a small one, but it turns out it wasn't. I've not gone right back to the beginning, but it feels pretty close. One thing a lot of illnesses have in common is the dreaded 'R' word - relapse. It installs fear in many people, whether you suffer from cancer, addiction or M.E., and it's everyone's nightmare.

"One thing a lot of illnesses have in common is the dreaded 'R' word - relapse."


I've been thinking a lot about the biggest thing I did last year. It was August and I was in London to participate on the programme Doctor Doctor for Channel 5. My Dad and I were staying in a hotel the night before and were unfortunate enough to have a very loud snorer in the room next door. My sleep pattern was all over the place anyway and so I spent hours curled up in a big chair at the window. It was one of those old-fashioned windows where you slide the whole thing up. It was a bit cold outside so I wrapped myself up in something warm and enjoyed the feeling of fresh air on my face as I watched the world go by.

There wasn't much activity but occasionally a person checked out of a hotel opposite, a laundry van unloaded, someone jogged by, and the leaves on the trees gently swayed. Watching other people made me feel that all the normal things they were doing, and most probably taking for granted, were things I did a lifetime ago. I desperately want to be able to pop downstairs, go out, have a jog and see different people.

In a bid to cheer me up, my Mum pointed out that my current bad days are still better than my good days were at one point, which is true and is something for me to cling to. Even though I know this phase won't last forever, I'm gutted to have stepped on a snake all the same.


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